


Silence is Golden

by totallyrhettro



Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Diary/Journal, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Friends to more, Happy Ending, Happy endings guaranteed, Inner Dialogue, Journaling, Kissing, M/M, Meditation, Open Ending, Realization, Silent Retreat, Stream of Consciousness, allusions to sexual activities, happy ever after, no talking, rhink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-08-29 09:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16741492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totallyrhettro/pseuds/totallyrhettro
Summary: Rhett and Link visit a silent retreat. That means no talking, no communication of any kind. It's just for research- that's what they tell each other and themselves. Both of them decide to keep a journal to record their inner thoughts.Based on GMM 139: Our Bucket Lists.





	Silence is Golden

**Rhett's Journal, Day 1**

Link and I have decided to keep these journals over the course of the week to keep records of our thoughts. The hope is that we will be able to share them with each other and discuss our experience with this silent retreat when it’s all over and we can finally talk again. It’s also an outlet, a way of dealing with not being allowed to speak and still getting our thoughts out somehow.

It probably isn’t in the spirit of silent self-reflection to write in these journals, but it’s not against any rule we could find. At the very least we want to have detailed accounts of our experiences here so we can better explain and articulate to the mythical beasts how it felt and what we went through when we talk about it on the show.

So, here we go.

We arrived at Joshua Tree this morning along with about a dozen other people, but it looks like only five or so will be joining Link and I in the silent retreat. We had to sign a waiver, which wasn’t unexpected, but the wrongful death clause was a tad worrying. I assume meditation isn’t life-threatening but I guess anything can happen. After they got our signature they also took our phones, which so far has been the hardest part of this trip, but using electronics wasn’t the only activity to be forbidden on this trip. In my research into silent meditation, also called vipassana meditation, I learned a bit about what would be involved, but nothing prepared me for what exactly would and would not be allowed.

No talking. No phones or technology. No yoga pants. No working out. No music. No reading. No killing (even spiders!). No stealing. No masturbating. No sex. No lying. No drugs or alcohol. No moving during “sittings of strong determination.” A lot of no’s that I wasn’t aware of and several that I hadn’t even considered before I agreed to come here at all. No sex, no problem. No working out? Strange, but okay. I hope walking doesn’t count as I plan to hike a great deal during our week-long day stay. This is still Joshua Tree Park and the hills are already calling to me. No killing, obvious, but spiders? Sorry, but if there’s a spider in my room it’s gonna die, no question.

~~No masturbating? That shouldn’t be a problem, though I would have liked to know that beforehand, just to prepare. Not that I haven’t gone this long without it, but~~

No alcohol is fine, drugs not a problem, no lying… Not sure how anyone would know if I told a white lie but okay, no lies. I wonder if not saying anything counts as a lie. I don’t plan on needing to lie, but as a defense mechanism built into my genetic code since I was old enough to know how, that might be a hard habit to break.

All in all, it’s a bit strange, but nothing I can’t handle. I wonder what Link thinks about all this. The silence hasn’t started yet, but we didn’t really have a chance to talk about the waver just yet. The whole day has been about orientation and we’re not even staying in the same room.

The room that I have to share with a complete stranger is a bit like a dorm room, sparse and tiny. I miss my king-sized bed already. They called it an ‘insta bed’, a twin-sized wooden frame and mattress and nothing else. Luckily Link and I were told to bring our own sheets and blankets which I immediately set up. I wasn’t sure how late we were going to be staying up and I didn’t want to have to deal with making the bed later. There’s a privacy curtain for me and my roommate, separating our bed space with the rest of the room, and a shared bathroom with just a shower. At least we’ll have plumbing.

After everyone had unpacked and moved into their rooms, we gathered in the meditation hall for orientation. Our ‘teacher’ for the week (an elderly woman by the name of Tina) explained much of which we already knew: we’re here to meditate. The time for talking was over and we, as the students, were to observe what she called a ‘noble silence’. It was to continue until the morning of the last day, in about seven days for me and Link. Some people stayed for just the weekend but it was recommended that, to get the full experience, one should stay the full seven days. Noble Silence means silence of body, speech, and mind. Tina explained that any form of communication with fellow students, whether by gestures, sign language, written notes, etc. is prohibited. As students we should cultivate the feeling that we are working in isolation.

No gestures? Really? No nodding, no waving, no shrugging? I guess the point of this whole exercise is to get us to look deep inside but come on. I’m scared to even smile at anyone, least I get into trouble. 

What does constitute trouble here, anyway? If I accidentally speak are they going to chuck me out of the retreat? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing. 

After that we got to meditating and that, much like the waiver, was both expected and unexpected at the same time. Tina sat in front of the small class, seated on a comfortable pillow, just like us, but while I expected either silence or to hear her guide us through the meditation, I heard a man’s voice come over some sort of loudspeaker. The pre-recorded voice walked us through our first meditation and it went alright. Link was sitting next to be and I could tell he was having a little bit more trouble with the sitting still part. He was trying though, bless his heart, and he even managed to be completely silent the entire time. I hope he’ll make it through the rest of the seven days with as much self control.

It’s 9 pm now; bedtime. I am an adult man. I haven't had a 9 pm bedtime in decades, but it turns out that 9 pm is going to be necessary, considering our wake up time is going to be 4 am tomorrow. Wish me luck.

\- Rhett McLaughlin

 

**Link's Journal, Day 2**

This was a huge mistake.

Everything hurts. We had at least half a dozen meditations today, and I don’t think my butt is going to be able to take 6 more days of this. I mean, I know we came here to meditate, but

All

Freaking

Day.

There’s about five minutes between meditations, mostly to stretch, eat once in awhile, but that’s it. The schedule might as well just say ‘4:30-9 pm: meditate. Eat occasionally.’ There are different kinds of meditation, but it’s all the same to me. Energy meditation, soothing meditation, yoga meditation. It’s all starting to run together and I think I may go insane by the end.

Rhett, of course, is loving it. I can tell. He sits on his pillow next to me, eyes closed, looking as serene as a statue. I’m trying not to fidget every second and my brain just WON’T SHUT UP.

Clear your mind, they tell us. As if. My mind is anything but clear. Every time I think I’ve got it, that I’ve managed to think of absolutely nothing but my breathing, I start thinking about something else. I think about the pain in my legs, the sound of other people breath in the room, the weird breeze that’s blowing even though there’s no air vent or window-

Seriously, where is that wind coming from?

I think about the past a bit, about stuff I did that might even come close to this level of discomfort. Eating hot peppers was worse. Doing the ice bath was worse. Dealing with snakes on the show WAY worse. 

Okay, so, it could be worse, but at least those activities were SOMETHING. Meditation is a lot of just… nothing. Boring, quiet, nothing. Dig deep into your inner self. I don’t think I have an inner self. I’m just me. There’s not much about me that I hide from the world. What would be the point?

I wonder what would happen if I just stood up in the middle of the meditation session and screamed. Like, at the top of my lungs screamed bloody murder. Or if I kicked my pillow at the other mediators and said ‘I quit. F this’. You can’t tell me that’s never happened before, or that no one’s thought about it.

Cleansing meditation my ass.

I’m not sure how Rhett is dealing with the quiet. He’s as talkative as I am. Well, okay, not as much as I am, but I know he likes to talk. He’s an introvert, sure, but since when doesn’t he want to talk? He spent that one weekend out in the desert and couldn’t even go one night without calling me. He won’t admit it, but I know he got scared. Or lonely. Or both. He tries to put on such a tough guy act, manly man of the woods. ~~He can be so full of shit sometimes.~~

I’m supposed to be talking about this experience to talk about on Good Mythical Morning when we’re done. I keep trying to analyze it all through an entertainer’s eyes, but it’s hard. There’s not much that’s entertaining about meditation, that’s kinda the point, or lack thereof. It’s not about being entertaining but about being quiet, and still, and getting real deep. So far it’s just been quiet and still. No epiphanies yet. 

Not much food either. I know this place runs on donations but come on. For dinner we had tea and fruit. Tea and fruit. That’s not a meal. That’s a snack. I snuck an extra orange before the next meditation but my stomach wasn’t the only one rumbling during the next session. I guess we’re supposed to get used to it but frankly I feel as though I’m on a hunger strike. 

I heard someone snoring during one of the meditations, too. I may have giggled a little, but no one seemed angry at me. I couldn’t help it. I snuck a look at Rhett but his eyes were still shut. Man can keep a straight face through anything, I swear. 

At 9 pm the day is technically over, and most everyone went to their rooms to sleep. Early rise time again tomorrow. Usually I can get up early if I have to, no problem, but 4 am is pushing it. Anyway, it’s the only real free time we get so I decided I was going to go for a walk, explore the area, get some fresh air. The meditation hall can get a little stale sometimes. Most of the time. I caught Rhett’s eye as I was leaving and he followed after. Guess he had the same idea. I had to force myself not to nod or anything (no gestures) and it was even harder not to start talking about the whole day with him right away. That will have to wait until the week is out. I should probably write down what I wanted to say here, so that I don’t forget.

This sucks, Rhett.

It’s only been one day of this and I already feel like I’m bursting at the seems to say something. ANYTHING. Rhett and I walked for a good half hour, not saying a word, just looking around. I was terrified someone from the center was going to find us and tell us we couldn’t be out and about, but no one did. It was kinda nice, just the two of us. Reminded me of the days back in school when we explored the woods behind my house. Just us. We talked a bit more in those days, but it still was nice. 

I don’t think I could do this without Rhett. Just sitting next to him in the hall makes me feel better. I don’t think I could do much of anything in my life without Rhett. I don’t know what I’d do without him.  
Anyway, it’s late and I did so much nothing today I’m pooped. This is going to be a super long week so I better get some sleep.

At least I have coffee.

\- Link Neal

 

**Rhett's Journal, Day 3**

Every morning, to rouse all of the students from their beds, the teachers have a giant gong. Really. It rings repeatedly, echoing throughout the camp and can be clearly heard. Even if you manage to sleep through that, about twenty minutes later someone comes by with a smaller, handheld gong, ringing it right outside the door to make sure you hear it. They really don’t want you to oversleep here. Even so, Link managed to completely miss the morning meditation session. I didn’t see him until breakfast where he showed up, hair still wet from a shower, with a very apologetic look on his face. 

No one scolded him. I guess it was common to miss a session now and then. I hope he’s taking this whole thing seriously. So far he’s managed to talk twice since we’ve been here. Can’t really fault him, though. The coffee this morning was really hot and Link is accident prone. I’m sure one 'ouch' spoken won’t get him kicked out of here. I also heard him utter an exclamation on the way back from lunch. Not sure what he was noticing, but apparently it warranted an ‘ooh’. 

Turns out I was wrong about my earlier estimates about the size of our class; it’s nearly twice as big but most of the time it’s divided along gender lines. The only time everyone is together is during the evening meditation before 9. I guess this is to prevent fraternization, which is against the rules. I wonder if anyone comes to these meditation retreats to meet people. Hopefully not.

My roommate is very quiet. I’ve been letting him shower first so I can do my morning stretches without being watched but this tends to leave me with very little hot water when it’s my turn to shower. I’m not giving up my stretches though, especially now. Sitting for hours on end, on MY end, is killing my back. I don’t see any reason we can’t meditate lying down. Honestly.

It’s after 11 now and my roommate hasn’t returned yet. I wonder if he went for a walk. His stuff is still here, so he hasn’t left the retreat. I wonder if anyone gives up after the first few days. I know some only came for the weekend, unlike Link and I, and even those few days are an intense experience. So far I’ve managed to hold my tongue but my brain is going stir crazy. I keep hearing songs stuck in my head and I’ve caught myself trying to remember the lyrics to most of them before remembering I’m supposed to be concentrating on my breathing. 

This is going to be much harder than I thought.

Link’s already pushing the boundaries of what is and what is not allowed. We were shown a movie tonight, for the 7 pm meditation. It was a guided meditation by one of the founders, possibly the same man we’ve been hearing over the loudspeakers, but it’s hard to tell. While everyone else sat up as normal, I looked over to see Link setting up something a bit more complicated. Using different shaped pillows he made a reclined bed for himself. If I could have spoken I would have explained how that wasn’t going to go over well. Sure enough, not two minutes into the movie, one of the teachers approached him and silently scolded him for his makeshift comfort. The look on Link’s face as he went back to sitting up straight with the rest of us was priceless.

At least Link is here with me in this venture. I know he’s probably not as committed to this as I am, but I really appreciate him coming with me, making an effort. I still may go completely insane by the end of the week but having Link with me helps. We went for a walk again tonight, just the two of us. It really is beautiful out here, in the park. When I went camping out by myself out here, that one weekend, I was struck then by how peaceful it was, how isolating. I had hoped to be alone with my thoughts, without the chatter of other people, and now that I’m here again it’s very similar. No chatting, through there are people around. The walks Link and I take together are as close as we can get to being alone. Not sure I want to head out into the wilderness to camp by myself again. ~~Maybe if Link went with me~~

There’s a few, short mountains around here, but for the most part there’s not much of anything between the center and civilization. We hiked up in those mountains, trying to get a good view of the land. The closest mountains are about half an hour’s walk on foot, but the view is worth it. Getting away was worth it. Seeing the sunset from there was more than worth it. Link and I stayed there for a long while, just taking in the cool breeze, the fading sunlight, and the smell of nature. Well, I did. Can’t say what Link was feeling, since he couldn’t, but I’m sure he had to be feeling much the same as I. If he wasn’t he would have left earlier. Instead we just watched the sun go down beyond the distant horizon and even then we stayed a little longer. 

The 4 am wake up call tomorrow is going to be brutal. Maybe Link and I can sneak out during dinner tomorrow instead of after the 9 pm meditation so we don’t have to get to bed at such a late hour. Though, I will be disappointed if we aren’t able to at least watch the sun go down ~~together~~.

My roommate just got back in. I didn’t see him out when me and Link were exploring. I wonder where he had gone? I better stop writing before he hears me and gets me into trouble.

\- Rhett McLaughlin

 

**Link's Journal, Day 4**

Managed to wake up on time today, though I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not. I slept through this morning’s meditation. Oops. I hope I didn’t snore. No one seemed to notice. I’m pretty sure if I had been making noise while I was asleep, Rhett would have been giving me a very dirty look when I woke up. 

I get enough of those from my roommate.

Apparently I’ve developed a habit of humming while I shower in the morning. It’s happened a few times now and my roommate has taken up banging on the bathroom door whenever he hears so much as a tiny peep from me. Guess he’s not a Merle Haggard fan. 

I had a weird dream this morning. Normally I don’t remember my dreams, but for some reason this one stuck with me. I was riding with Rhett in his dodge dynasty, he was driving, and there were a bunch of small dogs in the back seat. We were trying to drive somewhere but the road- the highway- was about fifteen lanes wide and curved sporadically. It was like driving on a race track in a video game. I think I was giving Rhett directions on where to go, but we never seemed to get anywhere. There was just more road. 

I think at some point we dropped the dogs off somewhere and then it was just the two of us, driving around some highway through a forest, with our shirts off. I should have written it down as soon as I woke up, then the details would be clearer. I know we were adults, but at the same time we weren't? It’s hard to explain. I think we were adults, at least I remember knowing we were adults, but we looked like we did in high school. Rhett had a buzz cut, I had a goatee. At some point I think we stopped driving, like we were in traffic or something. Rhett was sitting right next to me, even closer than he did in the real car. He was whispering something, but I either didn’t hear him or I just can’t remember what he said. 

That’s when the gong outside woke me up. I wish I could remember what Rhett was trying to tell me. Maybe he didn’t say anything. Maybe I couldn’t hear him in the dream because he can’t talk in the real world. 

Weird dream.

Rhett and I ate a quick lunch today. We ate together, as usual, and he made eye contact with me. He’s being doing that a lot over the past few days. I know he’s doing it to get my attention, because he doesn’t have any other way to do so, but it’s rather unnerving. ~~I’m not sure what it is, exactly, but when he stares at me I just~~

Anyway, as soon as he knew he had my complete and undivided attention, he began scarfing down his food like a mad man. I’m not sure I’ve seen him eat like that since high school. I could tell he was trying really hard not to make any sign that he was trying to communicate with me, looking down at my food and then back up at me. At first I thought he was asking me if I was going to finish the last of the only decent meal I was to be given all day, but then I realized he wanted me to eat faster, too.

As soon as I had finished, Rhett barely gave me time to put my empty tea cup next to the silverware bin before he dashed out of the door. I headed after him, wondering what the hell was up with him, only to find him lazily leaning against the building, picking rice out of his teeth. 

I just don’t know about him sometimes. We’ve been best friends for our entire lives and he still drives me insane. It was nice though, despite having to hike at a brisk pace with a stomach filled with curry. 

We didn’t walk as far today. I think we were both unsure as to how far we could get before the next meditation was going to start. Rhett has been very punctual for all of them, and I’ve done my best. Frankly I think he’s being amazingly patient. Not that he could yell at me even if he wanted to, but I know him. If he wanted to let me know he was angry or disappointed, he wouldn’t hesitate to give me a look.

I wish we could have gone out walking for longer. It really is beautiful here in Joshua tree, and any excuse to ~~be alone with~~ hang out with Rhett is a great break from the monotony of meditation. I did manage to trip over a rock, somehow. Luckily Rhett grabbed my hand and kept me from falling completely on my face. It may have been my imagination but I think he held my hand a little bit longer than he needed to. Maybe it was because he couldn’t talk, and he wanted to make sure I was okay before letting go… I don’t know. He gave me a weird look and I am not good at reading faces. ~~His hand felt nice~~

Man, not being able to talk is so hard. I’m not even sure if I have a lot to say I just want to say something. ANYTHING to break this agonizing silence. I wish I could pass him a note, like we used to do in grade school. Actually I think the first thing I’m going to do when this is all over is scream. I just want to let out a blood-curdling scream to the high heavens because this is so FRUSTRATING. How can Rhett be so calm about this?

Maybe if I sneak out while everyone else is meditating tomorrow I could be gone before anyone notices. I doubt anyone but Rhett would even care if they did notice. 

Looks like it’s going to rain tonight. At least that will be a pleasant sound to listen to. The voice-over guy on the loudspeaker is not very calming. ~~Rhett’s voice would be much better.~~

I need to get some sleep. I’m going stir crazy and I can’t wait for this week to be over.

\- Link Neal

**Rhett's Journal, Day 5**

I am calm  
I am serene  
I think I’m going to fucking scream

I’ve done meditation before. I did it every Saturday for months, but this is different. I’ve always imagined what it would be like, to wander off into the wilderness, the forest, the mountains, and live alone, by myself, without having to talk and just think. This isn’t like that. First of all, there are still people, and I can’t talk. I can’t think, most of the time. I had always hoped that living alone, without having to talk, I’d be able to come up with so many ideas, but I’m not allowed to do that here. Not during the meditations. I’m only allowed to breathe.

I know this was my idea. I know I really wanted to immerse myself in silence meditation, but I’m not sure I can do this. Link is doing amazingly. I know he had a few slip ups at the beginning of the week but I haven't heard anything out of him for awhile now. I’m really quite proud of him, actually. I think he’s getting a better hang on this than I am. 

Don’t tell him I said that.

Sometimes I open my eyes and look over at him, to see how he is fairing. Not once have I seen him laying back (not since that first movie) or giving up. He looks entirely focused, unlike me. Everyone around me looks focused, though some do look tired. I wonder if they are thinking about the same things? I wonder if they hear music in their heads? If they are completely focused on their breathing or not? I wonder: if you meditated like this for years if you’d eventually be able to read minds?

Boredom is my worst enemy these days. Not even during the meditations, either. It’s after. During the meditations I focus on my breathing. Breath in. Breath out. Can’t be bored because I’m doing something. Something mundane and incredibly monotonous, but SOMETHING. It’s after. Not during meals. I’m eating, looking at the others, trying to guess who’s the closet to cracking. A few faces look almost as downtrodden as I feel. All the weekenders have left, leaving only those in for the long haul, but I can tell many of them regret it.

It’s not during the walks with Link. Those are the highlight of this trip, honestly. We don’t even speak and I feel better. It’s like old times, when we were young. Those times we didn’t need to talk, when there was nothing to say, nothing else to do but wander around in unexplored parts of the county. Well, unexplored by us. Anyway, that’s not when I’m bored.

It’s after.

After the evening meditations and before bed, when I should be feeling tired after being up since the buttcrack of dawn but I’m not. Sitting around, doing nothing -Sorry, meditating. Not nothing.- makes me feel…  
Okay, yes, I’m tired, but I don’t feel like sleeping. I feel like, well, like I’ve done nothing all day. Uninspired, unacomplished, and bored out of my mind. I should sleep, but I can’t. Part of the reason why I write in these journals now, not just out of obligation, but to give my mind something to do. Work out the trapped thoughts in my brain and get them out of my head. 

That reminds me: it seems that I’m not the only one finding ways to stave off boredom. I found out where my roommate has been wandering off too, quite by accident of course. I was out late, taking a circuitous route to my room in an effort to both alleviate my boredom and tire myself out enough to sleep tonight, when I happened to hear some strange noises not too far off the beaten path. I didn’t see much- wasn’t looking too- but I saw enough. Enough to know that my roommate and someone else (another man, from the sound of it) were breaking the ‘no sex’ rule of the retreat. Quite noisily, too. Not that I was eavesdropping, of course. Frankly I’m amazed no one else heard them and reported them. 

I can hardly blame them, do be honest. Sex doesn’t have to include any amount of speaking. Not sure why it’s banned but… I mean, it’s not like I have anyone for that.

Of course, sex is always better with talking, or at least mouth sounds-

Sorry. Off topic, I know. I spent all day trying to keep my mind focused, now that I can let it go free it’s all over the place. I’d make a pretty terrible monk.

Not just because of my lack of focus. This retreat is supposed to be all about meditation and there are several rules that were established early on about what and what not to do. I’ve done my best to obey all the rules but, I must admit, the urge to break one or two of them- it’s almost more than I can bare.

I miss my hottub. I miss my bed. I miss my internet. My bathroom. I miss not having to share a bathroom more than I miss my bathroom. I miss sleeping in late every now and then. I miss TALKING. I miss

I can do this. I have to remember I am not alone. I don’t have to do this alone. Just because I can’t talk to Link doesn’t mean he’s not here for me. He is here and I am here and-

I’m going totally out of my mind.

\- Rhett McLaughlin

 

**Link's Journal, Day 6**

I may have fucked up today.

Let me just start by saying this whole week has been undeniably boring. Sitting around, doing nothing, listening to a voice guide me through meditation- it gets old really fast. I’m sure that I’m supposed to be connecting with my inner self or the universe or something by now, it’s just not happening. 

After dinner Rhett and I went walking again. It’s almost routine now, a break from the monotony and other students that is always welcome. It’s not a break from silence, as we still can’t talk, but it FEELS less silent. It feels like I can actually hear the world outside when we go walking. I hear birds, bugs, even the occasional semi driving down the highway. Good thing none of those are forbidden to make noise. I think if I had to plug my ears for this whole week as well as not talk I would truly go insane.

Anyway, everything was going fine until I tripped. 

OK, I admit it, I’m clumsy. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it, but this was the worst trip ever. Not how far I fell, or how hard, it’s when. Sort of.

We were near the ledge of the low hills, exploring new areas we haven't been to before. I learned over, peeking to see down. I wanted to look and see if I saw the bottom. I guess I lost my footing and nearly plummeted to my death. Well, it wasn’t that far. I probably just would have broken a few bones, tops. Definitely way worse than when I fell earlier this week. It would have hurt like hell, I’m certain of it. Luckily Rhett’s reflexes are better than mine. He grabbed my arm and kept me from falling, which I am extremely grateful for but

God damn I wish I could talk. I know none of the teachers were around, and probably none of the students, but if I opened my big mouth and said even one word Rhett would have been furious. He’s so dedicated to this process, I don’t want to let him down but it would have made everything so much easier. 

All I had to do was tell him to let me go. I wanted to tell him I was OK, that he didn’t have to keep holding onto my arm, but I guess he wanted to make sure my dumbass wasn’t going to fall even after he'd grabbed me. I get that, I understand, but if I could have just spoken aloud instead of trying to silently convey my meaning, things would be just fine. 

I don't know. I’m sure things are still fine but I just can’t stake the feeling that I fucked up. Eventually he let go but he had this look on his face like- like he was confused, or worried. I don’t think he understood me right. I was just trying to get him to let me go, there wasn’t anything else to it. Why did he have to hold my arm for so long?

He’s being doing that a lot more recently, In the past few years I’ve noticed a change. Not complaining; it’s nice that he doesn't complain about every time I even brush his arm or something else. It used to be I couldn’t pat him on the back before he’d go all ‘no homo’ on me. As if. I’m just a touch-person. I never mean nothing by it, it’s just how I am.

I’m getting off track. He let go eventually. It wasn’t like he was holding me forever, or anything. In fact, once he let go he cracked a smile and started chuckling. I wasn’t sure if he was laughing at me or not, but I didn’t really care. I started laughing too. We sat down on the rocks right there, laughing harder and harder until my sides hurt. Laughing is probably forbidden too, but right then I don’t think either of us cared at all. It felt good to laugh. It felt good to hear laughter, any laughter. ~~Especially Rhett’s~~

I’m not sure how long we laughed for. Too long, probably. That’s when-  
I don’t even know how to explain it. Our laughter faded away and I found myself looking at Rhett. He was looking at me. I’m sure he wanted to say something, but I have no idea what. I guess he was trying to decide if he should break the silence, because he just kept staring. And I stared back. I don’t know why. His smile was gone long before I noticed and my brain was screaming ‘say something. ANYTHING’ but I knew I couldn’t. It was like some kinda strange stare-loop, I don’t know. Maybe I was waiting for him to speak, or look away first, but he never did. So there we were. Staring at each other. And the moment got worse and worse. All I could think was: ‘Does he know?’

We kept walking after that. I wasn’t sure if the silence was awkward or not, and even if it was I couldn’t break it no matter how much I wanted to. Eventually I managed to convince myself that it was nothing, that just my brain messing with me. I’m a verbal processor. If it weren’t for these diaries I’m sure I’d trap myself in some fear cycle or another. I just wish I could talk, at least to myself. It would help immensely.

~~I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s always nothing. It’s always been nothing. The glances that he thinks I don’t notice. The lingering gazes during filming. When we’re not filming. They mean nothing.~~

I wonder how far I’d have to walk before no one could catch me talking. I need to get out of my head before I explode. I need to hear my own voice, to tell myself to snap out of it. Writing helps but it’s not enough. Not nearly enough. I need to ~~talk~~ No. To SCREAM. I bet Rhett doesn’t feel that way. I belt he’s all calm and collected, happy as a clam to be in this world of meditation. I’ll bet he’d want to stay here for a month, meditating and getting in touch with the inner mind or whatever we’re supposed to be doing here. 

Soon the week in silence will be over and Rhett and I will have a good laugh about all of this. I can’t fucking wait.

We’ll talk, laugh. He’ll tell me I need to be more careful, I’ll tell him  
I don’t know.

Maybe this is all best forgotten. 

\- Link Neal

**Rhett's Journal, Day 7**

Last day. I made it to the last full day. Tomorrow, after one last morning meditation, we’ll be able to finally speak again. We’ll be able to speak to one another and I have no idea what I’m going to say. 

Yesterday I wrote about when Link nearly fell off a cliff and I had to grab him. I know I didn’t write much about it, or the awkward silence that followed, mostly because I didn’t think much of it. I thought it was no big deal, but the more I thought about it- All day I've thought about it. It’s not the sort of things I normally dwell on but, I don’t normally have hours and hours to do nothing but think. 

I should be writing about how these meditations have affected me, how being silent for an entire week has shaped my psyche, but now that the week has nearly passed, the initial reasons for Link and I going on this retreat seem all but forgotten. Instead, I need to come to some sort of conclusion and, as I have no one to talk to about it, I guess I’ll have to write down the thoughts that I had here, in this journal. 

Where do I even start? 

I know I said before that we just laughed the whole thing off, but I lied. I broke one of the rules of this silent retreat by lying. I would never have guessed that'd be the rule I broke first. It’s funny; lying in this journal is really only lying to myself. I feel like I’ve been doing that my whole life. 

Maybe I’ve been thinking and overthinking this whole thing but- I don’t know. The more I think about it, the more I can’t STOP thinking about it. I know I’m talking in circles. Let me try again. 

We were laughing. That wasn’t unusual, but I noticed a strange look in Link’s eye. At first he kept rubbing his arm, where I had grabbed him, and I thought I might have hurt him. I didn’t want to leave a bruise, and not just because there might have been questions about it later. I was worried about that, about how hard I had grabbed him, but he wasn’t rubbing a sore arm. He was- I don’t know how else to say it. He was caressing it. 

Link is odd. Always has been. I’ve often found myself overlooking his quirks or strange habits, chalking it up to Link being Link, but this was different. I guess I must have stopped laughing as I tried to figure this one out, because the next thing I knew Link was staring at me. He was staring at me. I was staring at him. I wanted to say something but, you know. The silence. That’s when… 

I should stop. It was nothing. I had to be, but I’ve been thinking about the next few seconds ALL DAY and I have to write it down, if only so I can look back and see just how insane this all is. It’s a small thing, it was just a glance, but I swear- I SWEAR- Link’s eyes glanced down at my lips. 

I told myself he was looking at my beard. Maybe I had gotten something in it- food, dust, whatever. But I don’t think that’s what happened. I can’t be sure. Can I? He looked down at my lips then back at my eyes. Not once, but twice. Did he lean forward? I can’t remember. Maybe. My mind could be adding details that never happened. I wish I had written this all down yesterday but, honestly, I didn’t think anything of it then. 

I must have spent the first three meditations thinking about that moment. After that, I starting thinking back to other times Link stared at me. Were they nothing to? Has he done that before? I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything right now. 

~~Did Link want to kiss me?  
Do I want to kiss Link?~~

******Link's Journal, Day 8** ** **

I wonder if anyone has ever killed themselves at one of these retreats? Like, gone so crazy that they want to blow their brains out? I want to blow my brains out. Not because I want to kill myself but just because I just want my brain to SHUT UP. It won’t shut up. We just finished our last meditation for the day and I didn’t pay attention to any of it. I can’t stop thinking about Rhett. 

If the other day wasn’t awkward enough, I caught him staring at me many times during the meditations. Then, during lunch yesterday, he couldn’t seem to make eye contact with me at all. The brief times he even looked up from his food (which he barely touched) I’m not sure he was looking at me, per se. Not at my eyes. 

Maybe my mouth? Couldn’t tell. He seemed nervous. Did I make him nervous? I was nervous. I’m still nervous. I’m terrified. 

I’m rambling, I know, but that’s what going on in my head I can’t help but write the same. Ideas, thoughts, racing through my mind like a herd of stampeding horses going a thousand miles a minute. They won’t slow down and they won’t stop. 

I’ve never felt this way before. 

Wrong. I have. I remember, but it was so long ago. When we were young, high school at least. My arms feel like their buzzing. Like my anxiety is vibrating through my veins. My hands shake more than usual and I can barely breath even when I’m not trapped in those cramped auditoriums. I want to tell Rhett- I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. 

I want him to talk to me. To tell me everything is fine, that we’re still friends and that I didn’t make things weird AGAIN. I just want to hear his voice. Things had been simple, right? It wasn’t the life I had always hoped for, but it was more than I deserved. At least we were still friends. 

Why am I even writing this? I shouldn’t be thinking about my feelings for him. I shouldn’t be thinking about how much I wanted us to be more. My brain can’t stop thinking about it. Why? I’m going crazy. I need to get out of this place and go back to home and normality and all will be just like it was. This is just a lapse. A relapse. In judgement. In broken dreams that weren’t meant to be. Rhett isn’t going mad, just me. He’s my friend and that’s all there is. All there will ever be. All that can ever be. 

I keep repeating in my head how everything’s going to be OK. Tomorrow we’ll talk and everything will go back to normal. ~~I’ll explain~~  
How the hell will I explain? What is there to say? 

What can I say? What should I say? What do I need to say? 

Is there anything to say? 

I should burn this journal. I can’t let Rhett read this. EVER. 

\- Link Neal 

**Rhett's journal, Day 8**

We’re allowed to sleep in today. Still can’t talk. There’s one more meditation to go but they gave us a reprieve from the early hour alarm. I’m sure many people are still asleep right now. Link probably is. I can’t sleep. In just a few hours we’ll be allowed to talk again and somehow- 

Everything is different. 

Everything is the same. 

I can’t tell which is true anymore. I didn’t sleep much last night either, running events through my mind again and again. To be honest, I don’t even know what I want to be true anymore. I don’t know which truth would be worse: Link wants to kiss me. Link doesn’t want to kiss me. 

I want to kiss Link. I don’t want to kiss Link. 

Which is it? It feel like a question that should have a simple answer and my heart should be telling me what to do right now yet… It’s just as confused as I am. 

But also not confused. I care about Link, always have. I love him as a brother, as more than a brother, as the man who I grew up with, built a business with, build a life. That’s not in doubt. I love him. I do. I always have. 

Is that what I’m scared of? 

No. I’m more scared-  
I’m more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. 

Everything could change. 

Nothing could change. 

A coin toss. A 50/50 chance and I’m not sure which is more terrifying. Going back to our lives, unchanged, same old friends, or… not. More? Less? Different? 

I guess I never considered what I wanted. I just went along and let life decide for me. I was happy. Happy to be Link’s friend, to be his blood brother. He never asked for anything more and I never asked either. It was simple, it was obvious, it was our lives moving as one. Never complicated or difficult. There was no other path. At least, that’s what I thought 

Had there been another path? Another way to go? Should we have taken the road not traveled? Is it too late to go back? 

Is it too late? 

Do I want it to be. 

Do I want 

~ ~ ~

Rhett slammed his journal shut. He couldn’t write anymore. The conclusion that his wild scribbles had come to was too profound to write down on paper. He had to think, to hear it over and over again in his mind to make sure it was the correct one. Not that he had any doubt anymore that it was, but what to do with it? He had to do something, that was for certain. After sitting around for a week he wanted to speak so badly but more than that he wanted to act. Maybe he was tired, so tired that he wasn’t thinking clearly. Maybe he had gone batty from hearing only his thoughts for the past seven days. Either way it didn’t matter. His decision was already made.

He knew what he wanted. 

After that he was able to finally sleep. It was the best sleep he’d had in years, dreamless and calm. It wasn’t until after he had washed and dressed for breakfast that he began to worry. Would Link feel the same way? Unfortunately all Rhett could do was worry. He couldn’t speak, not yet. One last meditation before he put all his cards on the table. One one hour before he spoke and he wasn’t sure if he’d even remember how. Link looked normal, great even. A bit tired, but so did most of the class. They exchanged brief glances at breakfast but that was all. A brief smile and nothing more, yet that gave Rhett more confidence that he had been expecting.

Sitting down, cross-legged, next to Link, Rhett ignored the guided meditation completely. He had more important things to think about, now. What he was going to say, what he thought Link might say, and (most importantly) how he was going to burn his journal if things didn’t go well. He dearly hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

As the last meditation came to an end, their guide, Tina, stood before the crowd and took a deep breath, letting it out with a rush of air. Many of the class followed suit; it was almost like a ritual, something they had all done many times before. 

“I think you should all feel very proud of yourselves,” she began, smiling brightly. “You’ve just made it through an entire week of silence. I hope to see you all again. The journey to inner peace is one that can take an entire lifetime but I hope some of you have made great strides in starting that journey.” A few heads nodded at that. “Maybe you’ve gotten to know yourselves a little better or gotten in touch with the universe just a little bit. Take a moment to think about how this whole experience affected you and, when you’re ready, join me in the center hall. For now, you’re Nobel Silence is finally at an end.”

Link expected cheers. Rhett expected clapping. Neither happened. There were a few sighs of muted relief and some soft murmuring as people around them regained their ability to speak, but the overall volume stayed low. Rhett turned to Link, words begging to be released but none brave enough to emerge. Link took a deep breath and shrugged. He didn’t know what to say either. Together they left the hall, stepping out into the warm, late morning light, without a word yet exchanged.

It was over. In all but an official capacity, the silent retreat was over. They still had to pack their things, sign out, and leave, but speaking was no longer prohibited. As the rest of the class left the building, passing the two internetainers by without notice, Rhett and Link watched with numb interest. In the center hall there would be a debrief, the counselors would ask how it went, and everyone would have different and interesting answers, but neither Rhett or Link cared to go just yet. Not just yet.

Eventually everyone had gone except for the two friends and they were left completely alone, leaning against the wooden pillars that lined the outside of the meditation hall. If there was ever a time to speak, now was the time. Still, the words didn’t come. Rhett looked at Link. Link looked at Rhett. In the moment where they could finally speak, all words fell away.

Without warning he shot forward, grabbed Link by both of his shoulders, and pressed their lips together. He didn’t even think before doing it, didn’t even realized he had done it before he felt his best friend of thirty-plus years kissing back. It was impossible, it was unbelievable, and it was the best kiss he had ever experienced. Link’s lips were chapped and his own were probably dry as well. It was stiff and uncertain, but more than the sensations of how their mouths moved with a nervous tension, it was the most important kiss of his life. After a few seconds he pulled away, terrified and embarrassed by his impulsive actions. He blushed furiously and started mumbling an apology.

“I’m sorry," he croaked. "I shouldn’t have-” but he didn’t get far before Link pulled him close again. 

“Shut up,” Link demanded. He didn’t want to over think this, he didn’t want either of them to over think this, or discuss it. He just wanted to kiss Rhett again. This time he took charge, firm but gentle as his lips danced over Rhett’s, delicate and confident. Rhett’s fear melted away under Link’s touch and soon they were lost in a close embrace. No need for words, no need to explain. Maybe that had been the problem all along: too many words, too many times they explained their real feelings away when they just needed to let go. Just needed to _let_ it be real.

It just seemed too good to be real, until now.

As they parted for a second time Rhett couldn’t hide his smile, even if he’d wanted to. Link looked equally elated and no less surprised that his wildest dreams had managed to come true. It was his turn to blush as he chuckled like an awkward teenager. Rhett’s smile became a huge grin as he flicked the hair on the back of his neck.

“Good thing we can talk now,” Rhett noted, glancing around, mostly to make sure no one was around to see them making out like horny teens. “I think we have a lot to talk about.”

“Definitely,” Link agreed, looking towards the main building where the rest of their class had already headed. “I’m glad we did this,” he noted quietly after a moment. "The retreat."

“Me, too,” Rhett agreed. “Never again, though. Right?”

“Hell, no.” The both of them had a good laugh over that. Then, feeling closer than they ever had, they walked towards the main building to join their class. It had been a grueling week, one that they would never forget and while neither became one with the universe they learned more about themselves and each other. That alone was worth all the pain and boredom. More than worth it. They came to see what all the fuss was about, they came to do research for Good Mythical Morning, what neither expected was find a shared attraction, affection... love?

Rhett glanced at Link. Yes. He loved him. Always had, that was never in doubt. His love was just... different now. More. Evolved. Link had never stolen his heart, he lived in it all their lives, burrowing in deep, slow and steady until there was no way Rhett could claw him out if he'd wanted to. Link glanced at Rhett. He'd loved him for years, though he often didn't want to admit it. A love that had bloomed when they were young and only grown stronger with time. A soft smile passed between them, their hands intertwined without hesitation, as they agreed that yes, they had indeed found love. They just felt a bit silly that they had found it hiding right in front of them. It had taken a week of silence for them to realize it. It had been there for their entire friendship, almost their entire lives and now…

Now they could experience it together,

Happily ever after.

**The End.**


End file.
